The Hand of The Lord

I apologize for my weak words and story telling that will never do the feelings in my heart justice but I felt it so important to write down some of the events that have happened over the past 6 months and are continuing to happen.

When Matt came home from work one night and told me he was done working at Hamilton's (by choice) my heart sank. I felt a deep pit in my stomach as worries of the future swirled through my head. I don't do well with change or insecurity and both were rushing their way into my life filling me with doubt about both my future and my husband.

We decided to get the house on the market and worked harder than ever to clean out the house, organize every closet, drawer, repaint, clean up the backyard, and sort through all the junk in our garage. It just makes me tired thinking of all the work we did. The house was listed just one week after the life altering announcement. I couldn't help but feel like the our future was so foggy, I just couldn't quite get a grip on what was to come. I felt no real direction as the months past and we had no job, no offers on the home, no internship opportunity, and a low supply of money. I would wake up in the mornings feeling weighed down by my own worries and insecurities of our future and think to myself, "This is terrible, what are we going to do?" In the same instant Matt would walk into the room and say to me, "Isn't this great! What a wonderful opportunity we have in front of us that we didn't have before." I wished I shared his sense of security and faith but I'm embarrassed to say my faith was about as dim as it had ever been.

As another few months past, we filled the time visiting family members, making a couple trips to Phoenix for internship interviews that didn't pan out, and trying to adjust to life with Matt home all the time. I'll admit and I'm sure Matt would to I wasn't my most pleasant self during that time. I felt so much frustration towards Matt and blamed him for our predicament, or as I've come to realize, I blamed him for forcing me out of my comfortable life I had been living and into change and the uncertainty of the future. I tried to be patient, and as much as I started to hope that things would change I still had this feeling deep inside we were nowhere near done with the lessons the Lord was teaching us at that time.

In March Matt found out he received an internship offer from PetSmart for the summer. Finally we had a little direction. With that direction came a huge sense of relief on my part. I felt like that weight that had been getting heavier and heavier on my shoulders was starting to lift. I was proud of Matt and excited for the future of our family. Still there was the issue of our home. The market had dropped significantly since we had purchased the home and with the advice of our relator we decided to short sale the home. I had mixed feelings about the situation mostly feeling bad and frustrated that again things didn't work out perfectly just like I wanted. But as my steady as a rock husband would say, "It is what it is, there's nothing we can do about it so don't worry." We continued to have showings weekly, but still no offers.

In May Mom, Tanya, and Amber flew out to Utah and we traveled to Provo for Women's Conference. I felt so spiritually broken down and wasted at that point in my life. I had tried to do the right things, tried to have faith with regards to the future of our family, but something was still missing for me. The week at Women's Conference was the answer to so many hours of praying for understanding and clarity in my life. I felt the spirit stronger than I had in months, and I grew closer to my Father in heaven and to my Savior than I had been in years. I felt like the veil was thinned a little and my spiritual eyes were awakened. I began to feel and learn things in a new way. I learned things about Christ I had never thought of before. I felt the reality of the atonement, and it settled deeper in my soul than ever before. I can't quite describe the transformation that took place but it was magnificent. I came home on a spiritual high and it took about a day for reality to set back in. I was back in the grind of things. The constant companionship of the spirit gradually diminished as frustration and impatience took it's place.

The week after Women's Conference I headed back to work at Logan Physical Therapy. I as there to help out part time but due to some immaculate timing on the Lord's part Janet left town to be with her dying father. Her father passed away while she was there and I worked the week for her. It was all really perfect timing looking back. I wouldn't have been able to work any other week full time and Janet had made the trip unexpectedly. I was so grateful she was able to be there with him when he passed and so grateful to have been able to work for her. That week of working full time taught me to appreciate Matt's role of working outside the home. We both joked that I wouldn't make a very good husband. I dreaded coming home to a messy house, children in their pajamas, dinner waiting to be cooked, and utter exhaustion by the end of the night. I would nag at Matt about the messy house and kids. I think we were both much more appreciative of the others role in our family after that week.

And here I am to the week before we are to move to Phoenix. This last Wednesday we lowered the price of our home, had a showing Wednesday afternoon which I worked my tail off to clean for. As I was cleaning I felt this little spark inside me, a light that was gradually burning brighter and brighter. It was like the fogginess that had clouded my vision for so long was beginning to be overpowered by the light. I just knew that this was it, this was the one. The next day the realtor called to let us know we had an offer. My heart lept for joy when I found out. We headed to the realtor's office Thursday to sign paperwork and send the offer to the bank. I had heard horror stories about short sales and instances where the bank would take 3 months to approve an offer. Luckily for us our loan was through Utah Housing Corp. a small local company. Again I felt the light inside, my faith was finally crowding out the doubt that had buried itself inside me for so long.

Today Matt received a call from the Realtor letting us know she had taken the offer to the bank. They need a little more information but told her they would let her know on the offer by next Friday. I was shocked at how quick that was, I was expecting months. I can't help but feel so much love and gratitude in my heart for my heavenly Father. Looking back over the past 6 months I can see how relevant and real the Lord's hand has been in our life. I can see how much I have grown and learned. I can't help but feel like Matt and I were both being refined for a higher purpose and calling. Heavenly Father was so gentle holding my hand along the way, even when I was resisting, and dragging my feet along the way. I am so grateful for the Lord's timing in my life. For the lesson of patience I have learned and for the amount of empathy I have gained through the last 6 months. What a blessing and special time this experience has been for me. I learned to align my will with the will of my Father in heaven and though I'm still far from where I need to be I feel so much closer to Him. There have been so many tender mercies along the way I keep thinking I need to start a journal to fill with them all. Maybe one of these days I'll start my list of all the ways the Lord has let me know he loves me and I am His daughter, a daughter of God. I will forever be grateful for the Lord's timing, and for His tender mercies that tell me daily that I am loved.